Woke to tears this morning. Tears of release. Tears of realization.
I am twisting in a tight cocoon after getting a glimpse in life’s mirror. You know the one? The one where “another’s actions” (ie. life) serve as nothing more than a mirror, holding up your fears, saying “Hey! Look! Look at me! Look at YOU”. This is not about any other person. This is not what someone did to me or said to me or didn’t do or say to me. This is about my own ill placed terrors.
I am vulnerable… and here’s the kicker. I want to be vulnerable. This “wanting” to be vulnerable is a very new concept for me. It was only four short months ago when I associated vulnerability with “weakness”. Very quickly, as life and shift happened, I was amazed to learn a whole new concept on vulnerability. Boy, had I been mistaken. Being vulnerable actually showed great strength and will, as well as compassion and open-heartedness. Pretty cool. The best of both worlds and balance to boot.
This morning’s pang of painful understanding was another step in embracing my vulnerability. I’m learning, for me, this means that I am willing to love wholeheartedly, regardless of risk. 'Cause really, there are no guarantees in life and love and I’m not the kind of gal who chooses to tame her wild heart and sacrifice the amazing fire life can bring. To allow that fire and magic and limitless possibility into my life, personally and professionally, I am going to have to experience these pains.
I asked myself "Why is this vulnerability so painful right now? What is really going on here? What does this mean?” I expected my soul to answer. No bullshit from my ego. No victimized response from my logical mind. I needed a straight-up truth that would bring me to the heart of this matter.
The answer was simple. (Or, not so much.)
Fear. The deep and engrained kind. This girl is painfully afraid. Afraid, not only of my new vulnerability, but afraid of not being worthy of it’s rewards. Worthy of a new and spectacular balance in life. Worthy of a good man, of great love, of unlimited joy, of success, of freedom, of abundance, of the real ‘me’… and I know (thank God) that in order to release fear, I must first leeeeaaaannnn into the discomfort it presents. I must know the fear(s) in order to understand, let go, learn, and move forward onto that glittering path.
And with that, it’s decided… I best get to leanin’.
I am finding myself truly open for the first time in longer than I can recall. I am really, really sitting-listening-thinking-feeling in the uncomfortable spaces that come with it. The chrysalis. I’m diving into the depths, without realizing where they go or what I’ll find. Let me just say… Wow. Shit’s deep in here.
I am learning about all the new parts of me. Perhaps they’re not actually new, perhaps they are just now rising to the surface for the first time in my thirty-eight years. Bringing with them new clarity and grace and joy and the ability to be the authentic and genuine being God put me here to be.